Company’s ‘Work-Life Balance’ Policy Requires Notarized Agreement That Life Outside Work No Longer Exists

The Policy Nobody Asked For

In a bold move redefining corporate gaslighting, SynergroTech Solutions has unveiled a revolutionary new “work-life balance” policy that requires employees to sign a notarized agreement formally acknowledging that life outside of work is a mere hallucination. The document, titled “Declaration of Existential Irrelevance (Form WLB-404)”, states in fine print: “By signing this, I acknowledge that any personal hobbies, relationships, or basic human needs are counterproductive distractions to corporate synergy.”

“We’re committed to work-life balance,” declared SynergroTech’s HR Director, Karen Optimizer, during a press conference held suspiciously on a Sunday. “We simply believe in balancing work… with more work. It’s all about integration. Why separate life and work when you can merge them into one convenient, soul-crushing entity?”

Under the new policy, employees receive “flexible hours”—which, in practice, means being available 24/7. Vacation days are technically offered, but only if employees can prove they’ll experience guilt while away.

Testimonials from the Frontlines of Burnout

“I love the new policy,” said Jake Burnside, a mid-level analyst blinking Morse code signals for help. “I now have the freedom to answer emails from anywhere—my bed, the grocery store, even during my grandmother’s funeral. It’s empowering.”

Linda Deadline, another employee, shared her experience: “I tried to go offline for my son’s birthday, but I was gently reminded via 37 Slack messages titled ‘URGENT—but no pressure.’”

Corporate Wellness Perks (Because Irony is Free)

To support employee well-being, SynergroTech offers a range of wellness programs, including:

• “Mindful Multitasking” Workshops: Learn how to meditate while responding to emails.
• Virtual Yoga: Hosted during lunch breaks, so you can downward dog while updating spreadsheets.
• Stress Balls: Shaped like your manager’s face for healthy coping mechanisms.

Final Thoughts: Freedom Has Never Felt So Mandatory

While critics argue that the policy blurs the line between work and personal life, SynergroTech remains unfazed. In fact, they’re considering an update to the employee handbook with a new motto:

“If you have time to breathe, you have time to achieve.”

At least they’re honest.