Because conventional wisdom, particularly as it connects to exercise, is the biggest scam of all.

In an exciting new addition to the world of unnecessary fitness trends, Iron Apex CrossFit has launched 'Ancestral Movement' classes, promising to rewild the body, unlock primal strength, and probably help you develop a new species of knee calluses.

The cutting-edge class, which costs $50 per session, consists entirely of adults crawling around a cracked asphalt parking lot while a former finance bro screams about how modern life has "weakened" them.

"It's about returning to our natural state before technology ruined our bodies," explained Head Trainer and Amateur Caveman Philosopher, Bryce "Bison" Henderson, while casually squatting on all fours. "Think about it. Our ancestors didn't have chairs, so why should we?"

The 'Science' Behind It

Ancestral Movement is based on a highly questionable interpretation of human evolution, claiming that modern fitness is a lie and true strength comes from mimicking early hominids.

✔ "Hunting Mode" – Sprinting barefoot across pavement while avoiding broken glass. ✔ "Foraging Flow" – Squatting in a bush behind the gym to "connect with the Earth." ✔ "Survival Crawl" – Dragging yourself across the lot like a wounded animal, "as nature intended."

"This isn't just a workout," Bison explained. "It's a spiritual awakening. We're tapping into the raw essence of movement—the way our ancestors did before the tyranny of posture and shoes."

Participant Reactions: A Mix of Pain and Stockholm Syndrome

While some attendees describe the experience as 'life-changing', others are questioning their choices.

"I paid $50 to crawl on concrete for an hour," said Jordan Reyes, 31, nursing raw palms. "I have a gym membership. I could've just…done push-ups?"

Still, others have embraced the suffering.

"I thought it was weird at first," admitted Ashley Monroe, 28, wiping sweat and gravel off her forehead. "But then Bison told me that deadlifts are a modern construct designed to suppress my primal essence, and honestly? I get it now."

Final Thoughts: Is This the Future of Fitness?

Despite growing skepticism, Ancestral Movement is already gaining traction, with plans to introduce "Tree Climbing Endurance" and "Sprint Away from a Fake Predator" drills.

Meanwhile, experts suggest that simply going on a walk might be equally effective—but significantly less humiliating.