Man Achieves Full Mindfulness During Performance Review by Dissociating Entirely

"I left my body—and my job security—behind."

In a groundbreaking leap for the mindfulness movement, 29-year-old data analyst Kyle Freemont achieved full spiritual presence by mentally evacuating his body during a routine performance review last Tuesday.

Coworkers described Kyle as "very calm" and "almost statue-like" as his manager delivered a series of vague criticisms disguised as growth opportunities. "It was like he wasn't even there," said HR representative Tanya Lopez. "And in a way, he wasn't. Which we now understand was…intentional?"

Kyle, who has meditated exactly three times in his life—twice by accident—described the moment as "transcendent."

"As soon as I heard the words 'Let's circle back on your KPIs,' I felt my soul leave my flesh suit," he explained. "I ascended beyond time, space, and quarterly objectives."

A New Mindfulness Method: The Corporate Astral Plane

This new technique, dubbed Performance-Induced Dissociation (PID), is rapidly gaining traction among mid-level professionals looking to escape both reality and PowerPoint.

Experts in wellness and workplace avoidance say PID is especially effective during:

• Conversations involving the phrase "value-add"
• Any meeting scheduled at 4:59 p.m. on a Friday
• Feedback loops that involve neither feedback nor loops

Dr. Zenia Flux, lead researcher at the Institute for Disembodied Labor, describes PID as "a radical act of self-preservation."

"Why fight the system," she said, "when you can float above it silently while your physical body nods politely?"

Side Effects May Include Enlightenment and Unemployment

While many practitioners report feeling "light, free, and disinterested in office politics," there are downsides. Kyle's manager noted that he gave "very little eye contact, no verbal responses, and may have whispered 'I am dust' mid-meeting."

When asked about future employment prospects, Kyle shrugged. "That's a concern for my corporeal form," he said, sipping herbal tea through eyes that no longer feared Outlook notifications.

How to Dissociate Like a Pro

1. Pre-game with ambient panic: Arrive 10 minutes early to overthink your life choices in silence.
2. Set your intention: Say something vague like, "Today, I release attachment to outcomes… and also my consciousness."
3. Pick your departure cue: Many use "synergy," "bandwidth," or "We're like a family here."
4. Return when snacks are served: It's important to re-enter your body in time for complimentary muffins.